Elul-ul-ul-ul-ul

As I was writing this response in comments below it made me realise how different life and people are from what we have been led in Judaism, to believe. In Judaism and tradition, there is the legend of cause and effect. For example, you ask for help, and the community comes through for you. You are in distress, and some Jew cares. You are poor, and someone will try to elevate you from your poverty.

But the part that I find so striking is the idea that there is someone who will take a personal interest in you. You read it in midrashim and in anecdotes, and also very much in Hasidic literature, which many non-Hasidic rabbis and communities are ready to adopt and promulgate in a piecemeal kinda way. You know, that feel good idea that we are all in this together, a "holy community" and that the Jewish obligation is to look out for one another? Yeah. Sure.

The reality is so different. Everyone is busy. People plead busyness- that's their excuse. Even rabbis have to prepare for the High Holy Days with their exhortations for what, I am not sure. Probably because their livelihood depends on it? I know there is always a plea for money. Usually for the building fund or the mortgage and other expenses. I understand the pressure. But it doesn't justify their focus. For several weeks all other concerns get swept away. Cease to exist. And yes, I am talking about the urgency of what is happening to me. At this time of year, Elul, increasing tzedakah, seems to mean that the poor and the needy, are expected to be the most generous. in their understanding, of a general indifference while the machers do their thing. I am not one of them.

Is there no one clear-eyed, clear-hearted, and brave, left? To be fair there is always a reaching out to the disaffected, but unless you are a charismatic orator, all I can say is I admire the "dull" ones their perseverance. Because the "disaffected" are the most likely to bring lunch on Yom Kippur. The truly disaffected have been long gone from the shul.

And there is Project Isaiah, providing food for the poor; doesn't it feel great to supply kosher food to the faceless kin? Because, G-d forbid that you should notice a poor Jew right in your face who might take you out of your happy, shiny people comfort zone. G-d forbid that you might be inconvenienced at some time to deal with the intimate tsuris of a "needy" Jew.

It makes me wonder, if nowadays, the Judaism promulgated is a fantasy, not the squirmy reality. Talk among yourselves.

Meanwhile I want to mention with gratitude, the mensches in my life, who perhaps even put lie to what I wrote above. I know I have missed some, but this is all I can manage for now- I hope to repair the omissions. If Judaism is Jews, then the following make Judaism look like a viable faith alternative; but more importantly it shows to me that the "captive G-d" of Heschel's nightmares is a lie. G-d is ALIVE and FREE. And the following have kept or set G-d free.

To the following commenters, all strangers to me:

joey,
I know that people can't often give money. Still, your soulful support and understanding mean more to me than you can ever guess; I have learned that not everything is measured in money- sometimes words are such a treasure (as is money :).

anonymous,
I wish I were in NY. I did not know that having any legal power exists for people like me because you are right- I don't have a lease and have no rights whatsoever. Man, I wish I lived there! Thank you so much for your concern. I can't say often enough what that means to me, because it can be so isolating, this experience, and thinking you can depend on the Jewish community can be one of the most devastatingly disappointing experiences imaginable. I won't go on....

Sk,
Thank you for your solid and unimpeachable words. I so agree with you. Your words are a treasure. Pure gold.

Sefardi,
You touch my heart and you understand things and emotions that make me crazy too and the sheer nuttiness of the disparity between the ideal and the reality. You have a gimlet eyed (and disillusioned) view that I share.Wow.

I can't email you because you share no public address. Help!

Lioness,
Well, I think you are my poetic soulmate. You GET it. Not that others don't but you get it on the level of feelings and the glory of words.

To all, especially those I have missed right now:

I am so amazed and touched that this loving handful get it in so many ways!

I also especially want to thank my anonymous, constant and faithful angel who has helped keep me going for a couple of years now; who always sends words of blessing and hope to me. You GET it, too.

I don't know what to say. None of life and Judaism and Jews has turned out anything like I expected. Hmmmm, maybe there's a great post in that, someday :).

To be poor is to suffer. To encounter the face of G-d in kind and generous people who have no reason to love me, have never met me? This is no romantic fantasy. This is the real deal. And it so eases my suffering. And gives so much hope. Beyond choosing life or death. Because when you see others choose such Life, to choose blessing and not curse, to live it and share it, to offer you Life (without the needy having to beg first), it shames you into wanting to be just like them.

And one other thought- there would be no beggars if everyone became an offerer, not a giver, but an offerer.